♪
The Bay Show
♪
Starring Lucille Ball
♪
Co-starring Gail Gordon
♪
♪
You can relax, Lucy. It's only me.
Oh, Mary Jane.
I thought it was Mr. Mooney. I wanted him to think I was working.
Yeah, well, you'll never fool him that way.
Why not?
You haven't got any paper in the typewriter.
Oh, I know.
Hey, did you see this afternoon's paper?
No, why?
Stacy's department store is having a big sale.
Really?
Oh, wow. They're really having a sale.
Everything's more than half off.
Yeah, half off.
That bikini on that model looks...
Oh, that is a beauty. I'd love to have that bikini.
Oh, Lucy, would you wear a bikini like that on a public beach?
No, but I'd hang it on my clothesline. That ought to get me some action.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Gee, everything's on sale. Appliances, clothes, furniture.
Uh-oh.
What?
The sale is for one day only. Tomorrow.
So?
So I have to work tomorrow.
Well, so do I, but I'm going to tell my boss I've got a toothache.
Why don't you tell Mr. Mooney you have to go to the dentist?
No. I tried that a few times, and Mr. Mooney always insists on going to the dentist with me.
You're kidding.
Yeah. Yeah, so far I've had three perfectly good teeth pulled.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
If I do it anymore, I won't have a tooth in my head.
Well, why don't you tell him you've got the month?
Oh, no. I've told him I'm sick too often. He just never believed me.
He'd believe you if he saw you getting sick.
What do you mean?
While you're working this afternoon, act sick.
You know, moan, groan, cry a little.
Well, that won't work. I do that every week when he gives me my salary.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
But, Lindsey, if he sees you getting sick right here in this office, he'll insist that you go home.
Now, Mr. Mooney, he's not easy to fool.
He's a man, isn't he?
Yeah.
Well, then he's easy to fool.
If you play it smart. You see, you don't say you're sick.
Act sick.
And then when he suggests you go home, you refuse.
Refuse?
And then when you refuse to go home, he'll insist you go home.
He'll insist?
Believe me, when Mr. Mooney sees you suffering, he's got to sympathize with you.
After all, he's human.
Let's not make any snap judgments.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Well, it's worth a try.
All right. I'll give it a try.
I really would love to go shopping. You know, I need a new refrigerator.
Let's imagine one you got.
Well, you know it has a capacity of 14 cubic feet, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I got one foot of food and 13 feet of frost.
Everything frosts up. Everything?
Yeah. Tonight for dinner I'm having a spaghetti popsicle.
All right.
Would you like to join me?
See you later.
Okay.
Right now.
If I can fool Mr. Mooney.
Don't worry. It'll work. Do what I said.
All right.
Mr. Wilson and Russ.
Yes, sir. Wilson and Russ.
Gentlemen, regarding your inquiry of the 15th, I think the loan...
Ah!
Did you say something, Mrs. Carmine?
No, sir.
I think the loan can be arranged on the following terms.
Ah!
Mrs. Carmine, are you all right?
Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
All right. How about that?
Oh, the following terms.
The principal will be paid over a period of 20 years.
Ah!
Are you sure you're all right?
Oh, yes, yes. I feel fine.
Well, perhaps you'd like to rest for a while.
Oh, no. No, sir. There's work to be done.
Oh. All right, then. Let's get on with it.
Wait a moment.
Oh, yes. Payments will be made semi-annually on the 1st of January...
...and on the 1st of July next year.
Yes.
Mrs. Carmine, are you in pain?
No!
Is it constant pain?
No. Only when I breathe.
Well, maybe you'd like to go home.
Oh, no. No, I'd rather stay.
Let's just keep on working.
I feel much better when I'm working.
It takes my mind off the pain.
Oh. Now, are you quite sure you want to continue working?
Oh, yes, sir. I'll be all right.
Oh. All right. Well, uh...
15th day.
Oh, yes.
Should a payment be missed, there will be a forfeiture penalty.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I can't hold it back no more.
What's the matter with it? What's the matter with it?
It's having a stomach.
Mrs. Carmichael, you are ill.
Oh.
Let me feel your forehead.
No fever. No.
Let me see your tongue.
Looks all right.
Let me look at those eyes. Oh.
I hope whatever it is isn't contagious.
Well, let's continue with the dictation.
I'll write with my left hand.
Mrs. Carmichael, please go home.
No. I want to stay. I want to stay.
I want to work. I want to work.
I want to work.
Mrs. Carmichael, I think you ought to go home.
No. I want to stay. I want to stay.
Mrs. Carmichael, I insist that you go home.
Oh, well, if you insist.
Thank you very much, Mr. Morris.
Don't mention it. Don't mention it.
And if you don't feel well tomorrow, don't come back to work.
No, I won't. I won't.
Gather, gather, gather.
Now, remember, this is our biggest sale, and this is the zero hour.
I hope you're all prepared for what's coming.
Remember, those are customers out there, and they outnumber us by more than 50 to 1.
And I can assure you, they will show us no mercy.
Good luck, everybody. To your posts. To your posts.
Come on.
They're here. They're here.
Lucy. Lucy.
Oh, I haven't been mauled and crushed like that since my first blind date in high school.
Oh, heaven. Come on over here.
Look, the Jiffy Automatic Stove sets a timer and it turns itself on and off.
How do you like that? You don't even have to be home to burn your dinner.
My cooking is so easy now. They've got instant cream, instant coffee, instant milk, instant this, instant that.
Yeah, everything but instant money to pay for it.
Oh, hey, I see the juicers I want over here.
What?
The orange juicers.
What's so funny?
Come here and look. Look at the name and the slogan.
Little Squeeze Orange Juicer. Men, make your wife happy. Give her a little squeeze in the kitchen.
You get your little squeeze. I'm going to look around.
Okay.
More. More. More. More.
Ahem. Why did you break that dish?
Well, I'm sorry, but it said try our unbreakable dishes. So I just picked them up and I just tapped them.
You did it again.
Well, for heaven's sake, why does it say unbreakable when they're breakable?
Those are unbreakable. These are imported Chinese.
Is it unbreakable?
You should know.
Is it unbreakable?
Guaranteed.
There are 59 different departments in this store. Why did you have to come to this one?
Never mind. Now, just what kind of dishes do you want?
I don't want any dishes.
You don't want dishes?
No, I came in here to buy a refrigerator.
The refrigerators are over there.
Oh, well, thank you.
Don't touch that!
Because you are liable to break it.
If you're interested in this model, I will demonstrate it for you.
Thank you.
Now, this is the freezer unit with the automatic ice maker.
The vegetable crisper, latest design, so is the meat freshener.
Shelves slide in and out easily.
It has a five-year guarantee and it comes at the amazingly low sale price of only $299.99.
$299.99?
Yes. Is madam interested in making a purchase?
Well, madam is, but madam's budget isn't.
I'll have to think it over. I have your card in case I decide on anything.
Very well.
Thank you.
Hi.
Oh, did you get your squeezer?
Yeah. Did you find a refrigerator you like?
Yeah, I found one I like, but it's $299.99.
Oh, that's a lot of money, but isn't that beautiful?
Yeah, and it's got all the newest gadgets.
Look.
Look.
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr.
Give me back my card!
I don't want you to even know my name!
I've got to know your name in case I decide to buy a refrigerator I won't know who to ask for.
Good, good.
Please, madam, just don't buy a refrigerator.
Well, I...
Eat warm food.
I don't want to have a department.
I don't...
Please, no, no, no!
Oh, they're so emotional.
No wonder they're having a sale. Everything's broken.
Oh, my God!
Ah!
You are the one!
I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!
Yes, you did!
What did I do?
You just became our customer of the year.
I did?
You're a...
You're a very lucky lady.
Really?
You're the ten millionth customer to enter this department, and you've just received a great many valuable gifts.
What did I get? What did I get? What did I get?
Well, you got a set of golf clubs.
Golf clubs?
A set of luggage.
Oh!
A washing machine, a dryer, a dishwasher, a color television set.
Oh, we have a color television set.
And a beautiful refrigerator completely stocked with food.
A refrigerator! That's what I came in here to buy!
That's what you came in to buy!
And I wanted it! And I wanted it!
You're a very lucky lady.
Oh, I certainly am!
I am.
Nothing like this ever happened to me.
Oh, and you're lucky too, Mary Jane.
I am.
I'm going to give the color TV set to you.
You're going to give it to me?
Yes.
But we'll keep it in my apartment.
And then you can come down and watch it any time you want.
And you can eat from my completely stocked refrigerator.
Would you please give me your name and address?
Yes, Lucille Carmichael.
Oh, where do I live? Where do I live?
Dollar Street, Glenfall Apartments.
Yes, 780 North Dollar Street, Hollywood.
And you're a housewife?
I am? Oh, yes. Yes, I am. Yes.
I do take care of my apartment, but I work during the day at the Westland Bank.
A very fine bank.
Oh, the best bank in town, you may quote me.
Mrs. Carmichael, our photographer is here.
Your photographer?
Would you mind having your picture taken while I congratulate you?
Oh, I didn't expect to have my picture taken today.
Oh, Lucille.
Why, oh, oh, my hair must be a mess.
Good heavens, that bulb is so bright, all I can see is a big blue blob.
Thank you and congratulations again.
Well, thank you.
Yes.
Yes, your crisis will be delivered in a few days.
Oh, oh, really? Oh, thank you very much.
And remember to buy tomorrow's newspaper.
Your picture will be in it and a story all about you.
Oh, really?
Oh, I want to tell you, it's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Oh, Lucille, your picture's going to be in the paper.
Gee, I'll be famous.
Everybody will see my picture.
Mr. Mooney will be so proud.
And when I...
Mr. Mooney, if Mr. Mooney sees my picture in the paper, he'll know I wasn't sick.
Oh, maybe he'll get lucky and he won't read the paper.
No chance. He reads it every morning the minute he gets in the office.
Well, you've got to stop him from reading that paper.
I know what I'll do. I'll hide his glasses.
Good idea.
No, it isn't. He doesn't wear glasses.
I know. I'll get to the office before he does and get rid of the paper.
Would you want me to call you and wake you up?
Don't worry about it. I'll be awake all night.
If he sees that paper, he'll kill me.
Lucy, the most he can do is fire you.
I know, Mr. Mooney. He'll kill me and then fire me.
Excuse me, George. It isn't exactly a lie.
George!
George!
To Mooney's office. Oh, hi, Mary Jane.
Yes, I just hit it. No, he's not here yet.
Well, thanks. Yeah, I just saw it.
Yeah, yeah, I thought it was a nice picture.
What wrinkle?
No.
That wasn't a wrinkle. Your paper was creased.
I'd better hang up. I hear him coming.
Well.
Oh, good morning, Mr. Mooney.
Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.
You know, you didn't have to come to work if you're ill.
Oh, I'm not sick anymore.
Well, there must be something the matter with you. You're early.
No, I'm fine. I just figured as long as I was off yesterday, I should come in early today and catch up on all my work.
Well, that's very commendable. Very commendable.
What was the matter with you?
I don't know, but I'm all right now.
Good. Good.
Mrs. Carmichael?
Yes, Mr. Mooney?
Where's my newspaper?
Where's your newspaper?
It isn't here.
It isn't here?
Where is it?
Where is it?
Was your mother frightened by a parrot?
Now, stop repeating everything I say and help me find my newspaper.
Well, please.
Why don't you forget about your newspaper and let's just get to work?
No, I just don't feel right unless I read my morning newspaper.
I want to know what's going on in the world.
Well, I'll tell you. The temperature's up, the stock market is down, and little Orphan Annie's lost again.
Mrs. Carmichael, will you stop being facetious and go out and buy me a newspaper?
Oh, yes, sir.
There are a lot of newspapers.
Yeah, Mr. Mooney, you know, you read too much anyway.
What?
Yeah, you're always reading.
You know, the bank reports, the stock market charts, and the fine print, and the mortgage papers.
You're just straining your eyes. They're all bloodshot.
My eyes are not bloodshot.
How can you tell? You're seeing them from the inside.
Mrs. Carmichael, I am not...
You're doing this for your own good, Mr. Mooney.
Really, you do. You work too hard.
Rest your eyes for a change. It'll do you good.
Well, maybe you're right.
You know, I have been getting headaches lately.
I know, I know.
You've been getting headaches lately.
I know, I know. You've been getting headaches ever since I came to work for you.
Oh, true.
Oh, I didn't mean it that way. I don't think that they...
Mrs. Carmichael, I appreciate your concern.
All right, I'll skip the newspaper this morning.
Good.
Now, can we get to work?
Yes, sir.
Yes, ma'am.
Lucic?
Oh, hello, Laurie.
This picture of you is just wonderful.
Goodbye, Laurie.
I like this new one.
Yeah, goodbye, Laurie.
Just a moment.
What picture of you?
Oh, it's nothing. Laurie was just going.
Weren't you, Laurie?
She's going, but the paper stays.
Westland Bank employee wins fabulous prizes.
Yeah, that's not my picture.
Really, Mr. Mooney. See, I got red hair.
Her hair is black.
So you were sick yesterday.
Answer me! Were you sick?
No, but I am now.
And you played me for a sucker.
I...
And that act you put on pretending to be sick.
Oh, my hand! I got it on the bed.
I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't say it.
I went to work. I went to work.
And like a fool, I let you get away with it.
I'm sorry.
Sorry isn't enough.
To begin with, you will not be paid for yesterday.
And the only reason I don't fire you
is because I'm such a sweet guy.
You're a sweet guy.
Yes, yes. Now you get to work.
And I don't want to hear another word
about your sneaky endeavors.
Yes, sir.
All right, Mooney!
Oh, sir.
Congratulations, old boy. You did it again.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Cheever, sir.
What did I do?
Oh, playing it sly, huh?
A little modest, huh?
Westland Bank employee wins fabulous prizes.
Oh, I tell you, this story about your secretary
in the newspapers is the most wonderful publicity.
And we appreciate it.
That's good public relations.
And it's a good publicity.
Public relations!
And it only happened because you were thoughtful enough
to allow Mrs. Carmichael to take off to go shopping.
That's because he's such a sweet guy.
Yes, sir, it is.
Oh, sure.
But he is not the only one that can be sweet.
Now, in order to show our appreciation,
the bank is going to give you one full week's salary as a bonus.
A full week's salary?
That's right.
And I'm sure you'll want to show your appreciation
by giving Mrs. Carmichael a week's salary out of that bonus.
Of course, sir.
Mooney, I am proud of you.
Gee, a whole week's salary for me.
Thank you, Mr. Mooney.
A half week's salary.
Mr. Stevers just said that you should give me a whole week's salary.
I don't care what he said.
And one more word out of you and you won't get a red cent.
And you're supposed to be such a sweet guy.
I am a sweet guy!
And don't you forget it!
The End